Snappage

Britney is out of rehab now, so she’s back in the news. I want to share my thoughts on her breakdown.

The media seemed to really focus on how shaving her head and getting tattoos was a sign of destructive behavior and general “wigging out” (major wiggage that resulted in her need for wiggage). I don’t know what made her do it but I have a theory and it has not been widely reported in the media.

I think the girl shaved her head because as part of her child custody hearing with K-Fed, she was going to have to take a drug test and she didn’t want everyone to know the results of that drug test. The hair examination is one of the least intrusive and most revealing ways to test for drug use. I could see her throwing a fit about having to take a urine test or blood test, but it would be hard to throw a fit over having like, 100 hairs cut off your head. The hairs don’t lie when it comes to drug use.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she shaved off everything (and I mean EVERYTHING). The reason I’m up on my drug testing methods is because I’ve been drug tested for pre-employment screenings twice in the last 2 months (another blog entry coming soon) and both were the hair variety. A male friend who also endured hair drug screening shared with me that the hair on his head was too short to use so instead, the nurses cut tufts of hair from his flowing mane of armpit hair. I also knew of a guy who is a recreational drug user who buzzed off every iota of body hair except for his eyebrows, which he trimmed short, in preparation for his pre-employment drug screening. I think he was hoping they’d give him the blood or urine tests and he was confident in the drug masking agents he had ingested. Or something like that.

If we accept my theory as being true, the one part that doesn’t really make sense is why she shaved her head in public. You’d think she would do that in the privacy of her own home, a la Samantha Jones from Sex in the City after a round of chemotherapy. I can’t stand celebrities who whine, “Why do you keep paying attention to me?” Stop doing stupid things in public and maybe people will leave you alone! Until then, every idiotic episode will be noted and reported.

The thing is, Britney will probably look pretty cute with short hair while it’s growing back. I mean, she’s a pretty girl, she’s still young, she’ll be just fine. I knew a girl at Case who shaved her head once (a fun thing to do on a Friday night in Cleveland?). I always considered her to be pretty ordinary looking. Admittedly, the shaved head looked a little odd. But as her hair grew back, I realized she had gorgeous hair – really thick and wavy – and in about 3 months, she looked super cute. She worked that look and owned it.

What makes people snap? This is a topic that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, especially given some events that happened in the news recently and some things that I’ve observed in my own life. You have Stephen Grant, who killed his wife, chopped her up, and then scattered the parts in a park. There’s the married female astronaut who drove from Texas to Florida to stalk/threaten/kill her boyfriend’s girlfriend (on how many different levels is that messed up?). Then there’s Britney.

I wonder if any of the people surrounding the aforementioned people were not very surprised by their acquaintance’s actions. Maybe they exhibited signs of cracking for awhile. Maybe their downward spiral started slowly (but perceptibly), before exploding into a freefall. If you know someone who is exhibiting behavior of an impending meltdown, what do you say? What do you do? “Sweetheart, this is hard for me to say, but I think you might snap soon. Don’t ________ (fill in the blank: stalk your boyfriend’s girlfriend, forget to wear underwear, chop up your wife, etc.) before talking to me first. I care about you and don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.” I am open to suggestions.